All Hail the Minister!

The national ruling party, a prideful bunch of “honorable” men has been enjoying the spoils at the center for the second consecutive time. They have been doing, what they profoundly acclaim as “Bharat Nirman“. 

To these good-men of India – the lot of most “honorable” people in the country, the ones who roam around with red beacons and lead the en masse,  I question.

I question not their authority, not their attitude, but their motif. I question. I question, not as a voter, not as a citizen, but as a human. I question.

Most high! Most mighty! O Dear Minister of mine! Why doth thou lie so low?

I voted for thou, and I am no more a happy man. I showed trust in thou, and I am no more a happy man. I hath faith in thy governance, and I am no more a happy man. But of course, I shall vote for thou again, for thou is an honorable man.

Thou proclaimed, “Give me a second chance, and I’ll do wonders. Show me the crown again, and I’ll not be greedy.”

And so doth thou proclaim again.

And so will my fellow citizens show thou the chair again, for thou ain’t a bandit, but a man of honor.

The poor hath cried, but not a single tear shed from thy eyes. The Commonwealth molested, raped and savaged, but not a single tear shed from thy eyes. But I shall vote for thou, for thou is an honorable man.

Thou hath always been ambitious. Ambitious to bring thy family members into the ruling coalition, ambitious to overlook thy own mistakes. Ambitious!

Ambitious to show arrogance to thy member parties. Ambitious to overlook the national good over thy petty profits. But, don’t thou worry, for thou is a man of honor.

And I’ll vote for thou. For I fear, if I wrong the honorable man, the heavens will blaze forth this incredible country of mine.


Stop Brushing India: A Political Satire

[The comments made in this satire are entirely fictitious]

The Monday morning headlines on a national news channel read, “The opposition ministers show their dissent to the government; give up on brushing their teeth.” On seeing the full video coverage, it was learned that the BJP ministry, which has been using Colgate brand of toothpaste since the inception of the party, decided to do away with brushing in the wake of the recent coal-gate scam.

“We want to show the citizens of this country that we are sincere against corruption. We don’t support anything that may even sound similar to it. Our party members won’t brush until the Prime Minister resigns.  We will be launching a nationwide campaign against brushing on Wednesday”, said the national spokesperson of NDA to a media gathering, which, for the first time was seen running away from the “stinking” politician.

“He smells foul”, said a journalist, “If the channel forces me to interview him again, I will quit my job.”

On hearing the latest move by the opposition, the Congress supporters across the country organised a brushing rally. “Our motto to brush is not to be termed as a BJP patron”, said a marcher, who added that he was breaking his six month brushing fast for the sake of the party.

The comments made by the BJP aroused varied reactions throughout the country. Where the Colgate brand was worried over a possible decrease in its sales, the dentists were seen celebrating the occasion.

“We are really pleased with the BJP ministry. Our community is eagerly waiting for the start of the national campaign. We hope to see a 70 percent rise in the business this month”, said a dental surgeon.

Supporting the BJP in its “cause” were the comments from its alliance members.

“The party’s ideology promotes conservation of natural resources like water, unlike the UPA government”, said the leader.

The Lok Sabha on the other hand wasn’t able to function throughout the day. The congressmen entered the senate only after lunch time, citing the delay due to extensive brushing sessions, whereas the second half was adjourned due to the foul smell from the shouting NDA ministers.

In the evening it was reported that the Prime Minister of India, who sat in parliament, silently, showcasing his brilliant white teeth, has been approached by various toothpaste manufacturing companies for advertorial contracts.

“We are glad to announce that the PM has a large public following, but until 2014, he has no plans to enter the entertainment industry”, tweeted the original PMOIndia account on the micro blogging website. The comment got retweeted many times and attracted more than a hundred replies, one of which read, “…Mute advertisements to make a comeback in India from 2014″ @AamAdmi

Later in the night, there were reports of certain senior opposition leaders suffering from severe toothache. The situation got worse when one of the ministers was hospitalized for a root canal operation.

“Minister sahab was perfectly alright till the evening, until the Finance Minister made a comment regarding the cattle class and 20 rupees ice-cream cone. Our party members have always considered themselves to be a common man, and so Minister sahab ate the 20 rupees ice cream cone. Since then he has been suffering from severe toothache”, said the personal secretary of the minister.

The anti – brushing move of the opposition came under serious criticism when the government of the United States of America launched an official alert against talking to the Indian politicians, citing it to be injurious to health.

This sparked the debate between the UPA and NDA ministers, cooking a masala recipe for the TRP starved news channels. The night time prime news featured BJP and Congress ministers arguing with each other.

At the end of the show, the news channels were seen decontaminating the debate room, taking the advice of the US Ministry too seriously, perhaps aping the west.

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