Will I Remember How To Love You

Thought Catalog

When I finally meet you, will I remember how to love you? I think, somewhere in the last–what is it now? Almost 4 years?–of being mostly alone, or at least not in love, maybe I forgot what you’re supposed to do when you are in love. For instance, will I remember how to pull my limbs in from my nightly spread eagle in bed, and not hate you for taking up half the space that has, for so long, been mine, ALL MINE, GOD DAMNIT?

Will I remember how to lie awake on Sunday morning while you sleep, counting the freckles that pepper your back? Will I remember how to care about all the boring, stupid minutiae of your job, and I don’t mean just pretend to care, but actually, genuinely give a shit when you call me up to tell me how your boss did so and so and…

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Ridiculed conversations – You still a Virgin?

ShuShi and AeJ are sophomore students in an engineering college. ShuShi is studying Biotechnology and AeJ is pursuing Computer Science. The two became friends during campus fest. Take a look at their interesting conversations as they go on to become best of friends or maybe… Well watch out!

 

ShuShi – Hey! What’s up? 🙂

AeJ – Was planning to lose my virginity! Wanna help? 😉


ShuShi
 – Oo la la! Someone’s still clinging to the big V! 😛

 


AeJ
 – Oh Yeah? You pity me? Why not give me a hand then?


ShuShi
 – Perhaps I would, had you got some abs. 😛 Gym out for 2 months baby boy, and I’ll get you the velvet touch. 😉

AeJ – Velvet touch? What’s that?  And hey, I already have 2 pack abs! 😛 😛

ShuShi – Poor chap! Haven’t you heard, “Once you get to feel the velvet deep inside, the touch of your hands is rendered useless”? 😛

AeJ – Oh! Well, in that case haven’t you heard, “Once a girl rides the rude boy, the plastics aren’t pleasure anymore”?

ShuShi – Lol! I’ve experienced that. It’s you who’s on the other side of the story. 😛

AeJ – (…writing something)

ShuShi – Taking too much time to write..? By the way, when do you plan to lose it? You’re already 19. Hahahaha! 😛 😛

AeJ – Ohio! I take too much time for everything, for the pleasure is loooong lasting 😉

ShuShi – Long lasting? Hahaha! How much? 3 mins at max? lol! 😛

AeJ – Lol! Are you talking about your boy-friend? Oh girl, I sympathize with you! May God bless him to endure the heat and pressure! Lol! Is he a nerd? 😛

ShuShi – Huh! He lasts longer than most of the other guys.

AeJ – Oh! I didn’t know you had so much experience. Perhaps, teacher, guide me for my first time.

ShuShi – Get a girlfriend AeJ, you are so desperate!

AeJ – Look who’s talking? Ahem Ahem!

ShuShi – (no reply)

AeJ – There? I’ll be waiting for your tips. Meet me in college. 😛

ShuShi – (chat disconnected)

Its Pay-Back Time!

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“Why do you want me to get rich?” asked a student at the end of a brain draining session on entrepreneurship.

“Well, it’s simple. If you get rich, I get rich” replied the venture capitalist in a bemused voice, taken aback by the question.

A member of the “eminent panel” of speakers had been hit by a question which he couldn’t answer convincingly. Surprising right?

The student replied,”I’m sorry to say sir, but that’s complete bullshit!”

The host took over the situation, afraid that the student may hurt the “sentiments” of the “most honorable man” of the evening.

The Q & A session came to an end. But I, like some of the other aspiring entrepreneurs was left pondering over certain questions. Why should I become rich?

Why should I aspire to be among the top most people of the century? Why?

I don’t doubt my potential, not even yours. I know you have what it takes to make an impact in this world. But why? Why do you need so much money?

You can make an impact without the money too. You can get fame with a decent earning too.

To state a fact, most of the people who made a dent in this universe were not the wealthiest ones. What “commodities” did Mother Teresa own?

How much “equity” did Mahatma Gandhi have?

How many “companies” did Martin Luther own?

How much “returns” did Issac Newton and Albert Einstein get on their investment in Physics?

None!

So rethink! Why do you want to become rich?

“Because I want to ride a Ducati. I want to have the most beautiful home in the world. I want to marry the most beautiful lady on Earth. I want to feel the joy of being rich” Do you?

Well sir, in that case, you are on a completely wrong track.

If you want all this “crap” (or so called desires of yours), you can’t earn it by aspiring to become rich. For that, you need to be a spoiled brat. (You need to be son of a wealthy guy, who for sure, didn’t follow your path to become rich.)

No one gets rich because they want to get rich. No one becomes happy, because they want to become happy.

Desire, my friend is the root of all illness.

You want to get rich, follow your passion. You want to get rich, do something for the society. You want to get rich, look inside you and introspect. You want to get rich, find someone who loves you.

You want to be happy, help someone. You want to feel content, donate. You want marry a beautiful woman, have a beautiful soul.

Never forget to give the society, what you want for yourself!

Its pay-back time!

Return to the society what you expect of it.

Serve. Be a better human.

Cater to the needs of people. Spread joy.

And then you’ll be rich.

12 Things to do before 21December

Why Mayans why?

If the Facebook page of the Mayan Society is anything to go by, their FB account will “freeze” on December 21, 2012 at 00:00 hrs. (Whether it’s GMT or EDT, people are still confused. According to Troll Scientist it’s the average mean time of all Time Zones on Earth). For one, if that does happen, Salman Khan will die a bachelor, Pakistan will self-immolate itself, and Afzal Guru will die a common man’s death.

Here’s a list of 12 things that you should do before 21st of December:

1.) Go to the South Pole: Do a hand-stand. Hold up the Earth. And if you are lame enough, “dp that pic”.

2.) Kiss a stranger: Totally doable. If she protests say, “It’s end of the world, and I’m giving kisses for free…You’re welcome sweety!”

3.) Admit openly that you watch porn: “Porn? What is that?!” As if you have never logged on to an adult website. All you voguish girls out there, admit it, YOU watch porn.

4.) Pee in front of your Dean’s house: Raju Rastogi did it in front of Virus’s house and so should you. And nail it if you’re an engineering student.

5.) Crash into a girl’s hostel: You have been dreaming about it since your high school days, now is your chance to do it.

6.) Learn an exotic dance: She will surely be impressed by your dancing skills, if not your abs.

7.) Throw a shoe at a politician: It’s your chance to get lucky. Take out that rubber sole from your feet and slap it hard on someone who deserves it – a politician.

8.) Be a prankster: Write a note saying, “You have been chosen to save the Earth. Report at 21:21:21 hours at the old hut in front of Purana Quila” and slip it into a stranger’s pocket.

9.) Gender change: If you’ve always wondered what’s it like to be the opposite sex, then get it done before the 21st. Life won’t give you a second chance.

10.) Get close to mother nature: Walk on the streets with nothing but a leaf on your junk, and shout “We are back to the stone age. Let’s celebrate!”

11.) Shoplift from a lingerie store: Get the perfect gift for your girl friend.

12.) Take to the social network: Last but not the least, change your Facebook status to “So long and thanks for all the fish”, wonder how many of your friends will get the reference to Douglas Adams.

An Open Letter to the Prime Minister

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The Honorable Prime Minister,
152, South Block,
New Delhi – 110 011

Dearest Sir,

During your recent address to the nation, you acknowledged that “it is the responsibility of the government to defend the national interest, and protect the long term future of the people.” I appreciate this acknowledgement. I am also pleased to learn that the government plans to consolidate on the recently introduced FDI reforms. Congratulations!

But sir, apart from the economic crisis, the bigger problem that is infesting the citizens of this great country is “behavioral management”. Everyday I wake up to read a sad story on the Parliament – “Minister throws mike at the speaker”, “Lok Sabha adjourned after ministers tear down the bill”, “Lok Sabha suspended over mutual disagreement”, “Minister found guilty in religious riots”. It fills me with great sorrow to see the leaders of this nation – the successors of Mahatma Gandhi and Pt. Jawaharlal Nehru – the caretakers of world’s largest democracy, living in self-centered domain, imbibing greed and following unethical principles (convictions in CWG and 2G  scams); not all of them, but yes most of them!

I’m not judging the political class here, but trying to bring forth the mentality of our people by instancing the higher citizens of the country. If the lawful representatives of the constitution are going to behave in this manner, how do we expect the country to grow, and so is what we are witnessing – honor killings,  molestation, rapes, kidnappings, robberies and murders.

We must educate the minister, not intellectually, but morally. Moral values are a must if we want to overcome corruption.

Therefore, I suggest that we bring in a constitutional amendment that restricts any citizen from standing in elections if he is not adequately educated (at-least a high school graduate). Other than that, moral and ethical education sessions should be introduced for government employees.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Sincerely,

Arjun Tuli

The League of Extraordinary College Dropouts

Back in the days when country music topped the billboard ratings and college degree awarded the high-end jobs, a few good men stood out to break the Tao of Success. They challenged the shackle of traditional perspectives and opted-out of formal education, forming the “League of Extraordinary College Dropouts”.

Year 1972, Reed College, Oregon: Steve Jobs
Enrolled in for a duration of six months, Steve Jobs felt that college education was ruining his parent’s money. He decided to fall on the wayside and build his own boulevard to success.

Starting out in a garage, Jobs earned his way to become the CEO of the widely known Apple Inc.
“I’m glad I dropped out of college”, he said in his Commencement address at Stanford University in 2005.

Year 1974, Fullerton College, California: James Cameron
He went on to make The Terminator, Titanic, Aliens, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, True Lies, Dark Angel and Avatar, but failed to complete his graduation.

James Cameron got himself enrolled for a Physics major in 1971 at a community college in California. His academic life didn’t last long. He dropped out in the fall of 1974 and married a waitress. Until 1977 Cameron earned his bread and butter by rolling goods trucks.
In a TED event Cameron said, “Failure is an option, fear is not.”

Year 1975, Harvard University, Cambridge: Bill Gates
Termed as “Harvard’s most successful dropout” by Harvard Crimson, Bill Gates decided to do away with his undergraduate studies in 1975, two years after his admission to the prestigious Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Sciences.

In the fall of 1975, along with his childhood friend Paul Allen, Gates founded the Microsoft Corporation.
In his commemoration speech at Harvard in 2007, Gates said “I’m the guy who got Steve Balmer to drop out of business school. I’m a bad influence. That’s why I was invited to speak at your graduation. If I had spoken at your orientation, fewer of you might be here today.”

Year 1994, Stanford University, California: Tiger Woods
Being offered a scholarship at Stanford wasn’t enough for him. His love and passion for golf drove him off the campus.

 Two years into his major in Economics, Tiger Woods left Stanford to devote all his attention towards “banging the balls”. He went on to become one of the world’s richest sportsperson, with the career best earning of over 100 million dollars in an year.

Year 2004, Harvard University, Cambridge: Mark Zuckerberg
He dropped out of college, only to get dropped into the riches. Mark Zuckerberg founded the Facebook in 2004 from his college dorm in Harvard.

Facebook went on to become the biggest social network and Zuckerberg was awarded the TIME Person of the Year title in 2010.

The list of famous college dropouts is a long one, but the question that arises is “Is college education worth the value?”

Well, the funny thing about “College Education” is it doesn’t work by teaching us things. It actually works by giving us the impression that we’ve had a very good education, which in-turn gives us the insane sense of unbounded self confidence, thereby making us successful in later life.

But then, there are among us these extraordinary gentlemen, who defied the cliche. They rose above the fancy side of insubstantial self-assertion, giving way to their hearts and living out their passions.

Its all about pursuing what you love, and in case of these valiant professionals, they found their soul mates before completing their degrees.

The Great Indian Tamasha

Boom! Boom! Pow!

With Diwali celebrations still at bay (and Black Eyed Peas having no intentions to Phunk with Indian hearts), I wondered what it might be?

The slender street in front my courtyard was clogged with gala-heads, running wild.

The procession was led by a group of very “talented” dancers, tapping their feet to the tunes of “Tunak Tunak Tun Da Da Da” (Never heard of it? Congratulations! You saved your ears a soulful bashing), with bhangra moves perfected to the last drop of Patiala peg.

A faithful start to a lazy Sunday!

The Khan movies may flop at the Box Office, but the “Great Indian Tamasha” never fails to enthrall crowds. (And you wondered why Big Boss had the highest TRP ratings? Jaago Grahak Jaago!)

Gripped by what might be called as “Shor in the Street”, I hurried out to the front balcony of my house, desiring to capture the perfect view of the silver-screen.

The dance honchos, doped as they were, in the rhythmic beats of the dhol, raised their hands to shed out some moolah. Meandering around them were the slumdogs, dipping their hands in the cash rich concrete lakes of the street, aspiring to be the next millionaires; shouting “Jai Ho!” (You listening, Danny Boyle?)

But wait! There’s something more to this Choupati. There’s a Pirate in the Arabian Sea.

The Bharitya Janta Party MP from the state could be seen kicking around the cattle-class, trying to lay his feet on the red carpet.

He proclaimed of being victorious in the Legislative Assembly polls; “treasuring” yet another term of VVIP treatment. Following the minister was the lok sabha of his chelas, glorifying their guru as the best in the Ayodhya.

The “Badmaash Company” could be seen shouting slogans and raising banners. “Plop, plop, fizz, fiz, Oh what a relief it is!” read one.

“When you have got it, you flaunt it”, shouted the minister, “Victory!”, as his caravan passed by my house, gushing into the neighborhood tributaries.

***

Stand. Rise. Oscar! The Jack Sparrow of our story makes his entry.

Just as the caravan was about to reach its first milestone, it hit the “Growler” (For those of you like me, its name of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic).

Aivyn Kejribal of India Against Politicians (a well “proclaimed” common man) sat in the middle of the street, meditating. Supporting him in his “agitation for meditation” was a group of Topi Masters (renowned fashion gurus, as was captioned on their caps – Mai Trend Setter Hun).

“Plop, plop, fizz, fiz, Oh What the F**k this is!” said the pirate.  (If you don’t read “WTF” thing, it’s because  editor is too decent to allow it. Social etiquette gentlemen!)

Tu to Aivyn Aivyn Aivyn lut gaya..“, mocked Captain Jack Sparrow, as he flew high to deck onto the minister’s caravan, shitting all around the ship.

The Bharitya Janta Party MP, expecting to taste the “Barfi!” on this “auspicious day”, found himself hemmed in the sweet smell of the cattle-class junk.

Holy mother of God! Are we witnessing “The Dirty Picture” here?

“Wait! Wait! Mom! Mom! I qualify the PG 18 restriction. Let me watch the complete movie…Please!”

Phew! Moms.

***

Just as we reach the climax of the movie, what do I see?

Kejribal and the minister enacting the ‘I’m King of the World’ scene from “Titanic” while clicking photos of themselves (“Oh My God!” These celebrities! I wonder how many mood swings they get in a month).

Mr. Karan Johar, you watching sir? We have a Dostana 2 in the making.

The combined caravan of the minister and Aivyn Kejriwal now headed to other streets.

(And they lived happily ever after…)

(Kidding!)

All Hail the Minister!

The national ruling party, a prideful bunch of “honorable” men has been enjoying the spoils at the center for the second consecutive time. They have been doing, what they profoundly acclaim as “Bharat Nirman“. 

To these good-men of India – the lot of most “honorable” people in the country, the ones who roam around with red beacons and lead the en masse,  I question.

I question not their authority, not their attitude, but their motif. I question. I question, not as a voter, not as a citizen, but as a human. I question.

Most high! Most mighty! O Dear Minister of mine! Why doth thou lie so low?

I voted for thou, and I am no more a happy man. I showed trust in thou, and I am no more a happy man. I hath faith in thy governance, and I am no more a happy man. But of course, I shall vote for thou again, for thou is an honorable man.

Thou proclaimed, “Give me a second chance, and I’ll do wonders. Show me the crown again, and I’ll not be greedy.”

And so doth thou proclaim again.

And so will my fellow citizens show thou the chair again, for thou ain’t a bandit, but a man of honor.

The poor hath cried, but not a single tear shed from thy eyes. The Commonwealth molested, raped and savaged, but not a single tear shed from thy eyes. But I shall vote for thou, for thou is an honorable man.

Thou hath always been ambitious. Ambitious to bring thy family members into the ruling coalition, ambitious to overlook thy own mistakes. Ambitious!

Ambitious to show arrogance to thy member parties. Ambitious to overlook the national good over thy petty profits. But, don’t thou worry, for thou is a man of honor.

And I’ll vote for thou. For I fear, if I wrong the honorable man, the heavens will blaze forth this incredible country of mine.

O Womania!

[I wrote this article as a part of my ongoing journalism internship. Thought of sharing it with the blogging community. 🙂 ]

Twenty years of existence. I have been immortal for what a mathematician would calculate out to 7370 days; taking into account five leap years, and +2 days which this article will take to get published (assuming the editor doesn’t send me a “go through it again” mail).

That’s quite a time as compared to the long breaths of the short lived multicolored creatures “dazzling” around our rooms in the rainy nights – the moths and their accomplices. For once, that makes me happy. I have outlived a few species of living organisms, including the moth; perhaps the one that distracts the last bit of my concentration required to write an article. Hooray! No more delays Ms. Editor; kidding!

There are a lot of things that get men off the hook, and most of the times its women and cricket; as for me, include the little dazzling party “hanging out” in my room.

A sugared thought of fair skinned clad – the sweet smelling opposite sex (homo-sapiens-sapiens only; no chimps, please!) is enough to get  me laid (back). “Thou lay at ease, O dear master! The article can wait.”, and so it does, and so rings the bell of my editor.

Well, “Women! What can you say? Who made ’em? God must have been a f**kin’ genius. The hair. They say the hair is everything, you know? Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls, just wanting to go to sleep forever? Or lips. And when they touched your’s, were like that first swallow of wine after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hooaah! Big ones, little ones; nipples staring right out at you, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don’t care if they’re Greek columns or secondhand Steinways. What’s between ’em? Passport to heaven.” ( from “Scent of a Woman“)

In India, we worship women (for no one wants to loose their “passport to heaven”, let alone the priests). But dear “single-guy”, dare you worship the young voguish girl of a metro (Yeah! exactly the one whom you aspire to make your girlfriend), and she’ll rip apart that beloved organ of yours (Ouch! that hurts).

“Thou filthy fellow! Bloody fudoo (Punjabi for fucker). How durran (dare) thou stare at me?”. This was the latest addition to my book of “memorable insults” (already two volumes complete).

That’s the “anomaly” about women, they are captivating at imagination – they’ll grab your thoughts, grip your brain, and take you on a “Dear- O-Dear!” ride, but in reality, just try sniffing around one, and she’ll shoo you off.

“Shoo Shoo! Hurr..!”

It’s only a matter of time until every guy gets his due of the bitchy treatment (even the committed ones ).

Yesterday, I happen to sit by a woman, a twenty year old something, in the metro. She wore a stern look on her face, and just when her cell rang, “Don’t you ever call me baby again. I am never ever going to talk to you. Kutte (dog) Kamine (Roman-Hindi for fucking), Dafaa ho jaa (Go to hell!).” And to hell did the poor guy go; he became single – the genre doomed by the society as the bunch of incapable dogs roaming around just to impregnate the bitches; in other words, worthless.  

Perhaps, O Womaniya, Ah! Aa! Womaniya… Jaa Jaa Womaniyaa! No more Womaniya chasing for me now. (And yeah! on time delivery of every article from now on; Cool! isn’t it, Ms. Editor? )

Bapu’s Birthday Party

 

Dear Bapu,

Happy 143 rd Birthday!

This is my third letter to you. Although I understand that you are a busy man and have loads of movies lined up, I am a little annoyed with you for ignoring my first two letters. Even that neighborhood kid Pintoo Sharma got a reply to his letter, and now he’s always teasing me when we play. He says that he even has an invitation to your birthday party. Is it true Bapu?

My mom says that even I will get one if I write you a letter.

Bapu, last night I had dream about your birthday party. It was grand. There were balloons all around. The chairs and tables were decorated. Walls were decked with flowers; pink ones and red ones were my favorite  I plucked a few for my mom; she loves flowers. There were camel rides and horse rides too. I rode both, like a super-hero. And guess what? Today morning I requested papa to get me a new horse. I will make him my pet and ride it to school.

For lunch, there were large number of dishes. I had two pies of pizza and one of chocolate cake. They were delicious. Although, the noodles had excess of salt in them, they tasted good with tomato sauce.Then we played for some time. Even Pintoo was present there. He was amazed to see me; now he had nothing to boast about. We had loads of fun.

Bapu, I want to be a part of your birthday party. I even got you a special gift. It’s very big. You will surely like it.

Bye bye Bapu. Hopefully I’ll meet you tomorrow.

Regards,
A nine year old.

[This post is a tribute to Mahatma Gandhi’s 143rd birthday, celebrated as Gandhi Jayanti throughout India.]

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